How to Win Friend and Influence People

First Principle

If you want others to like you, don’t criticize them.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person in a defensive position and usually makes him try to justify himself. Criticism is a dangerous hatred because it hurts the worth of a person’s value and hurts his feelings.

A psychologist, namely, B.F. Skinner, discovered the fact that: animals that rewarded for good behavior learn faster and more effectively than animals that punished for bad behavior.

The same applies to humans: criticizing others will not encourage them to change their thoughts and behavior. Because, in principle, they are not driven by reason but by emotion. This way, the person you criticize will not listen to what you say. They will only feel like they tacked, and their natural reaction is to defend themselves and fight.

Instead of criticizing others, it’s better to try to understand them. That can bring sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.

Second Principle

If you want others to do something you like, show them sincere appreciation as often as possible, and make them feel important.

Dr. John Dewey is an American philosopher who researched and discovered the fact that the deepest desires of human nature in human nature are the desire to be necessary.

The desire to be important and valued is one of the main differences that distinguish between humans and animals. As an illustration, if there is a horse racing competition and we become the first champion. The horse does not care at all about the trophy. But for us, it gives us a feeling of importance and respect.

Charles Schwab was one of the first people in American business to get a salary of one million dollars a year. He was also appointed by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president director of the American steel company owned by Andrew Carnegie in 1921. Charles Schwab won the position and award, not because of genius, or the smartest person in steel production. But because of its ability to face people. Charles Schwab said: The greatest asset I have is the ability to arouse my enthusiasm for others through their encouragement and encouragement. I have never criticized anyone. I want to praise but do not like to find fault with others.

But what do most people do? Quite the opposite. If superiors do not like the work of subordinates, they criticize, blame, and shout at subordinates. Remember, nothing can kill someone’s ambitions other than criticism from superiors. On the other hand, if the boss likes the work of assistants, then the boss is just silent (instead of giving a sincere and generous appreciation for praise). No one is immune to the longing for the importance of recognition and appreciation.

But keep in mind also, you do not need to give someone a very luxurious title to show your appreciation. Just use simple phrases like “Thank you” and “I’m sorry,” while providing sincere and honest praise.

Do not shower people with false flattery, because they can see and feel it directly.

Treat others like you want to be treated.

Third Principle

Give genuine attention to others.

You know that you can get more friends in 2 months by sincerely paying attention to others, compared to 2 years trying to get other people interested in you.

In fact, other people are not interested in you, and they are interested in themselves. A telephone company in New York conducted a detailed analysis of telephone conversations to find which words used most often. The answer is the word “I”. The word is used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations.

So it turns out that the secret to being interesting is to be interested in other people.

Fourth Principle

If you want to make an excellent first impression, smile.

One day, a New York stockbroker named William B. Steinhardt decided to try something new on the advice of Dale Carnegie. Previously, he was known as a bad-tempered person who rarely smiled in his personal or professional life, but he was committed to smiling more. In the morning, when his experiment began, he began the day by greeting his wife with a smile, then smiled at the doorman of his building.

The result?

People began to smile again. At home, Steinhardt said that there was more happiness in the first two months of the trial than before.

So, if you want to make yourself immediately liked by someone, show them that you like seeing them with a smile. When they see how nice you are to meet them, they will be happy to see you too.

Fifth Principle

A person’s name is the sweetest sound they know.

Jim Farley lost his father at the age of ten. He is the eldest son in the family, and he works in a brick shop to help pay bills. Although he never received much education, by the time he was 46, Jim was a Postmaster General and Chair of the Democratic National Committee.

So what’s the secret of his success?

Farley realized from the start that people cared more about their names than all the other names in the world combined. Remembering and using someone’s name is a subtle but powerful way to win them. When Dale Carnegie asked him if it was true that he could remember the first names of 10,000 people, Farley corrected him by saying that he could call 50,000 people by their first names!

So, to win someone’s heart, make sure to remember their name and use it often in conversation.

Sixth Principle

If you want to be attractive in the eyes of others, be a good listener who is genuinely interested in other people.

Humans are always interested in talking about themselves.

Former Harvard Rector, Charles Eliot, who is also the champion of the art of listening, says that the secret of a successful business relationship is that when you pay close attention to the person you’re talking to, nothing is more flattering to him than that. Eliot’s way of listening is not a passive form but a form of action.

So if you want to be more liked and attractive, stop talking and listen. Ask others about themselves or their achievements and encourage them to speak at length.

When conversing, most people are so preoccupied with what they want to say next that they almost don’t listen to other people at all.

Listening earnestly means consciously trying to give full attention to others. And the benefits of this approach are enormous.

Seventh Principle

Think about what other people want and talk about what’s important to them.

In summer, Dale Carnegie often fished. He likes strawberries and cream. But he understood something, that the fish he was catching liked worms. He didn’t put strawberries and cream on the hook, but he put worms, in front of the fish he said; you want it, right?

Similar situation, why are you still talking about what you want? Of course, you are interested in what you want. But other people are not interested. Other people are interested in what they want.

Another crucial advice to win someone’s heart is to be knowledgeable and talk about things that are important to them.

Eighth Principle

Avoid all arguments. You cannot win the debate.

A man named Patrick J O’Haire attended the Dale Carnegie class. He is a salesman for White Motor Trucks and is very vulnerable to debate. Indeed, he enjoyed a good debate. If a customer says something offensive about his truck, O’Haire immediately launches an aggressive argument, which he usually wins with great satisfaction. But the problem is that despite this “victory,” the customer does not buy the truck.

You know, arguing with other people doesn’t make sense. If you lose, you lose the argument. If you win, other people will hate you for hurting their pride, so you haven’t earned it.

Therefore, the only solution is to avoid such disputes from the beginning.

Even Patrick J O’Haire learned to avoid fighting, and when the customer told him he preferred other brands of trucks, O’Haire just agreed. Not surprisingly, this makes it difficult for customers to continue debating so that the conversation can then directed back to what’s right about White’s trucks. As a result, O’Haire became the top salesman of the White Truck Company.

Final Summary.

The main messages in this book are:

To make yourself pleasant, smile

Listen, and remember other people’s names.

People crave appreciation so that it rains down on them and talks about what’s important to them.

Avoid arguments and never criticize others because this will not help you.

If you want someone to change, be extravagant and generous with your praise